Being alone is not a problem in itself. Many older people are happy with their own company. Loneliness is feeling unhappy about a lack of contact or company, so look for signs of distress rather than time spent alone.
Being socially connected is good for physical and mental health, as well as easing loneliness. That is a good reason to act if someone seems unhappy.
Older people may not tell anyone they are lonely. They may not realise it, or may not want to admit it. So it helps to notice changes yourself.
How do I tell loneliness from enjoying their own company?
Start with what is usual for them. Someone who has always been quiet and private may be perfectly content.
A change in how the person seems is a prompt to think about loneliness. The change can be recent or gradual. Ask yourself if they seem unhappy, or just like themselves.
Feeling lonely now and then is normal and often passes by itself. If the change lasts, it is worth gently checking in.
What signs should I look for?
When you visit or phone, notice these things:
- They seem less like their usual self.
- Their routine is slipping, for example getting up much later than usual.
- They care less about their appearance or personal hygiene.
These signs can have other causes. They do not prove that someone is lonely. They are things to notice, and a reason to gently ask how the person is.
Also look out for a big life change. The death of a partner is one example, and it can be a trigger for loneliness.
How do I raise the subject without upsetting them?
The most helpful step is to encourage the person to talk about their feelings. Keep it relaxed. The conversation can happen on a walk, by text or on the phone.
- Say what you have noticed, kindly. For example: "You seem a bit quieter lately. How are you?"
- Listen more than you advise.
- If they are not ready to talk, do not push. Say you are there when they want to talk.
- Suggest shared plans, such as lunch, a walk or trying a club together.
Some people find it easier to talk to a healthcare professional or an organisation than to family. That is fine. Offer those options.
A lonely person may feel misunderstood and be irritable. Try not to take it personally.
Remember that you can support them, but finding the solution is not your responsibility. Change usually happens only when the older person is ready. Their wishes and dignity come first.
What can I do if I live far away?
Small, regular contact helps. You do not need to do everything yourself.
- Phone or text at a regular time, so they have something to look forward to.
- Join a call while they have lunch, so you share a meal even when you cannot be there.
- Tell them about local groups and services, and let them choose.
- Ask if they would like help getting online. Going online can help people who find it hard to get out, or who find in-person socialising overwhelming.
If they go online, talk about staying safe. Not everyone online is who they claim to be. Many local Age UKs offer computer and IT training to help people get online.
Which groups and free services can help?
- Silver Line Helpline: free, confidential and open 24 hours a day, every day.
- Age UK Advice Line: free and open 8am to 7pm every day of the year.
- Telephone Friendship Service: Age UK matches people with a volunteer for a free weekly phone chat.
- Befriending schemes: many local Age UKs run these, by phone or with home visits.
- Clubs and activities: local Age UKs run coffee mornings, lunch clubs and exercise classes.
- Specialist support groups: these may exist locally for people going through a particular experience, such as bereavement or a health condition.
Look up the phone numbers on the Age UK website. You can also read more on Age UK’s pages on things to do to feel less lonely and on caring for someone who is lonely.
What is available varies by area. Rules and services can also differ in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, so check locally.
When should I ask the GP to take a look?
Speak to the GP if the person seems unhappy for a long time, or if the change is getting worse. You can ask the surgery what local support it knows about.
Also speak to the GP if you notice new confusion, memory changes or a sudden change in how they are. These can have many causes and need checking. Call NHS 111 if you are worried and the surgery is closed. Call 999 in an emergency.
Where possible, tell the person what you plan to do and ask if they would like to go with you.
What to do next
- Think about what is usual for the person, and note any change you have seen.
- Pick a relaxed moment, such as a phone call or a walk, and ask how they are.
- Offer a shared plan, such as lunch or visiting a local club together.
- Share the details of the Silver Line Helpline and the Age UK Advice Line, and let them decide whether to call.
- If worries continue or grow, encourage a visit to the GP. If you are also thinking about help at home, read about rights and benefits.